The Amazing Anthology of Harry Potter Anecdotes
by runwhileyoustillcan93
Summary: Well, it's me ATTEMPTING to be funny by using either several sentences from one of the books Which are SITED at the bottom, because I don't do plaigerism, or a scene that starts off being realistic to the books, but ends up just being stupid. PLEASE RR!
1. Chapter 1

**Saga One--- Very Much a Death Eater…**

_"Has it been busy at the Ministry?"_

_"Very," said Mr. Weasley. "I wouldn't mind if we were getting anywhere, but of the three arrests we've made in the last couple of months, I doubt that one of them is a genuine Death Eater--- Only don't repeat that, Harry," he added quickly, looking much more awake all of a sudden._

_"They're not still holding Stan Shunpike, are they?" asked Harry._

_"I'm afraid so," said Mr. Weasley. "I know Dumbledore's tried appealing directly to Scrimgeour about Stan… I mean, anybody who has actually interviewed him agrees that he's as about as much a Death Eater as this Satsuma… but the top levels-"_

But ArthurWan Kenobi, as Harry secretly loved calling Mr. Weasley in the back of his mind, for some odd reason, broke off suddenly. They both stared, as the tangerine-like fruit Mr. Weasley had been about to eat jumped off the table, its insides illuminated by an eerie green light that Ginny was using to make her evil laugh that she did every time she beat Fred and George even more maniacal.

On one little fraction of fruit gleamed the incredibly tasteless and completely unoriginal mascot of Voldemort and his Death Eaters: A skull. With a snake for a tongue because Darth Voldie, as Harry secretly loved calling Tom Riddle in the back of his mind, decided that his evil slaves shouldn't be mistaken for Jolly Rogers, and also because he thought the serpent impressed girls.

Well, anyway, the Satsuma hovered for a moment, then, in a singsong voice that reminded Harry of FredFred Burger, as he secretly loved to call Fred Weasley in the back of his mind, singing that Rammstein song, "Du Hast," in the shower, which is sad, because Fred's singing sucks, and "Du Hast" is a great song. Now, of course, Fred didn't actually know that Harry was even there, but lately, Harry had been sneaking into bathrooms, unseen, thanks to his invisibility cloak, with a tape recorder he won from Dudley after he bet that Dudley would be mistaken for a pig if he dressed in pink, and saving every song the Weasleys, and Fleur, who He-Who-Has-An-Oddly-Shaped-Scar, as Harry secretly liked to call himself in the back of his mind, had filmed using a super-zoom camera he'd stolen from Dudley, after Milk Dud, as Harry secretly loved to call Dudley Dursley in the back of his mind, ran away sobbing when Harry asked George to use magic to make his butt three times its normal size.

And in this out-of-tune, distorted voice, the Satsuma shouted, "FOOLS! YOU SHALL ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD!"

But ArthurWan Kenobi ignored its citrus-rich threat, grabbed the small orange sphere, and took a large bite out of its Dark Mark.

"NOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! I AM THE DARK LORD'S FAVORITE! HE EVEN PAINTED A STILL LIFE OF ME! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Harry! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE A FREAKING SATSUMA!"

"Ummmm… No I didn't?…"

Ginny sighed, exasperatedly, and hit Harry, who started shouting, "YOU SHALL ALL PERISH!" in his best imitation of Fred's singing, in the head with a large watermelon, which Mrs. Weasley had conjured out of thin air in case Fleur and Bill were acting rather R-rated in public again.

"USE PROTECTION!" Shouted The Mollinator, as Harry secretly loved calling Mrs. Weasley in the back of his mind, as she heard the watermelon splat against Harry's skull.

Excerpts taken from page 331 of _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_, by JK Rowling.


	2. Saga 2

**Saga 2--- Ron and Lavender… The Encounter Not in the Books!**

The sun was setting over the majestic mountains behind the beautiful castle of Hogwarts. Ron and Lavender sat in a small clearing surrounded by bushes on the front lawn. Everything from the rays of golden and orange light piercing the slightly darkened sky to the chirping of the spring crickets was as romantic as either of them could've dreamed. Ron ran his hand down her leg, the fabric of her jeans felt somehow different than his own pair. Lavender stroked his cheek, and they put their arms around each other, captivated by the scent of the grass on the ground, and the purpling sunset above them.

"I love you," whispered Ron, the words floating on the breeze and making them sound even more complete.

Lavender grinned. "I love you too, Ron."

They slowly put their faces closer and closer together. Finally their lips were separated by only a few molecules of air when they heard somebody break wind, and the smell of a thousand bags of manure drifted to them. Lavender broke away, gagging.

"Ron! Did you _really_ have to do that? That was _disgusting_! I swear, boys can be, like, sooooo gross!"

"That wasn't me! Honest! Look, just stay still for a moment, because I think I know who it was…"

They didn't move, yet the sound of rustling branches reached them. Finally, they heard _another_ girl's voice.

"Way to go, Harry!"

Just as Ron thought, his gassy best friend was sitting behind another bush, his arms around Ron's younger sister. Both of them looked particularly mischievous, and Ginny's sweater had several buttons undone.

"Ginny! You are too young to be out here!"

"What! I'm only a year younger than you! Besides, Hermione and Krum went out here when they were two years younger than me! So, just shut your mouth!"

"GOSH!" Harry shouted.

The two of them stormed away. However, they strode too close to the Whomping Willow, and both of them were instantly thrown around and battered. Ron and Lavender just ignored their pitiful shrieks.

"You think it's true?"

"Do I think what's true?" Lavender asked, still pinching her nose.

"Do you really think Hermione was out here three years ago, back in forth year, with that stupid, grunting-"

But Ron was forced to break off as Lavender slapped him. Soon after, he was left alone, except for Harry and Ginny, who were still being chucked around by a rabid tree. Trying not to be sick from the lingering stench, Ron went to go free them from the Whomping Willow's wrath, but was immediately mauled by some PMS-ing squirrels...

Lavender went on to lead a normal life, except for the fact that she frequently slapped Hermione and tagged lots of muggle buildings with the phrase, "WON-WON WILL SMITE YOU ALL!"

Hermione went on to marry Ron five years later, and also lived a normal life except for the fact that she still loved to learn. And she also got a job writing Snapple lids for wizards.

Ron went on to marry Hermione five years later, and also lived a normal life except for the fact that he now had a completely morbid fear of squirrels and would never stay in town when Hermione was PMS-ing, and always had to go around erasing all the graffiti Lavender put everywhere.

Harry went on to marry Ginny two years later, and lived a fairly normal life, except for the fact that he had to go to therapy every Monday night with Voldemort to work out their "problems" and sing the "feelings" song. And, oh yeah, he had to take pills for that gas problem.

Ginny went on to marry Harry two years later, and lived an extremely normal, mild-mannered life, except for the fact that she was actually a superhero known as "Red-Hot Weasel-Girl" by night. And yes, Harry was too dumb to notice.

The End.

Except for the fact that I'm going to write more chapters.

So it's temporarily the end.


End file.
